So...2015 sucked and 2016 sucked too. So, almost two years later...here I am. Trying it again...
Not much has really changed since that first post. I continue to be a hot mess, full fledged adult flailing their hands trying to figure it the fuck out. Some days, I'm better than before, some days, I'm worse. A lot has happened, some to change and mold and shape me further, and some because I am a complete fucking idiot, but even in that, I have to put faith in my higher power and hope that there was a reason within the universe for me to make those bad choices and be where I was, when I was.
I'm trying to figure who I am daily, it's more of a struggle the further I let others pull me into their issues which I should be far, far from.
Who I am?
Who the fuck am I kidding, I am who I am. I'm learning to find acceptance of myself. Little by little and more by more I allow myself to be me. As weird and fucked up as I am, why am I still surprised that who I am is weird and fucked up? I keep trying to not be, I keep trying to live up to what everyone thinks I should be. This is prolly why my Xanax consumption went from a few a year to sometimes a few a month.
I am learning that my weirds are my normal, and that no one has to like them. I have lost a few close people in the last years, and I'm ok with that now. I wasn't suppose to be there anymore. That and maybe one of us were a douche...it happens. But my weirds make me who I am. I look back and realize what I have been through in my life, at times, being a daily struggle, and sometimes a lifetime struggle. I have been through all this and am still alive. That's what I've got right now. It's kinda where I am...I don't feel blessed, I'm still angry and sad about everything I have been through.
I am all about that acceptance though. Learning to find acceptance instead of anger. I know that I really can't blame anyone anymore, that shit is on me now. I'm a adult and have to figure out how to live a content* life. It's hard, every day is hard.
Life has been different, I've been through two very difficult relationships since Eric(I'm learning it may be who I choose at this point...). The first one almost destroyed me, but I jumped into the second one and ended up hurting him worse because of it, and now, in all technicality, I'm mourning both. I've talked to Eric once in the past year, other than our incredibly messy and hurtful animal switch. I quit going to Al-Anon and isolated myself from everyone. To be honest, I backslid. It happens, I know. But it hurt. Letting myself get back into the headspace I was before Eric and I split is frustrating. So frustrating. Especially when there was a point in the past two years where things were getting better for me..
In one of my blogs, I said...and I quote:
"What I want to do: Apply for a job in King County, get said job, move to Seattle. Live.
What I am doing: Keeping the job I have(which I do love), living in a teeny apartment(which I am learning to love), staying in Minnesota(which I love/hate). Learning to live(again)."
I did it. I applied for a job in King County, I got offered said job...
I turned it down.
Yes, that's right, you saw that correctly, I turned it down. I realized I had nothing for me there yet. It wasn't going to make me happy to go out there yet.
I had just recently committed to moving to Denver for a few years. I have support out there, a landing place and a way to meet people without feeling overly pressured. Denver will be interesting, the sun and I don't mix and there's rarely ever a rain shower...but I think it will be nice for awhile. Something new with some people I'm comfortable with and feel I can be the real me around.
The plan was originally Denver in early 2017, but I have the chance to go to business school through my union for free first. A free business degree? Yes, please, thank you.
So, business school is on, I took my first two classes this past fall. Fucking A, this bitch is gonna end up with a degree this time. Third time is the goddamn charm. ;)
Another good quote from the last session of the blog:
"What hurts the most is knowing how deeply you truly do love that person, but knowing you can't be together...it's like poison. It hurts to be with that person, and it hurts to not."
It's still true.
I don't think about Eric like I did then though. I still miss him and think about him often, I prolly always will. The edges are all fuzzy now though. I don't remember things as deeply and often. There's still lots of talk about him and our life, things that happened in the past, but now, it doesn't hurt as much as it did then.
I hear he's fairly happy and got his GED! And now is trying to go to school/going to school for some kind of machine operating. I hear he is still sober too even though some bad stuff has happened to him as well. I hope all of it is true and that he is finding his contentment too. He deserves it just as much of the rest of us. If he truly is the person I believe he is, he might even deserve it more than most.
We're at the holidays again, and just like the past few years, I really am not looking forward to them. I am single again, and it's a interesting feeling around the holidays. I feel like the holidays are really about family and stuff. So, on Christmas, I celebrate the holidays with my sisters, brother-in-law and nephew. I have no urge to do all the other stuff right now. Maybe next year.
So, here we are...trying this again. My goal is to post once a week, sometimes daily or every other day as my mood needs it. I think that I have let myself go so backwards, that it's time to try and figure it out again.
I will hopefully find the energy to start going back to Al-Anon the first week in 2017. I will hopefully find the motivation to start walking home from work again, in all weather...and not using it as a excuse like I have been seeming to do. I will hopefully lose the 30 lbs I have gained back this past year, my body hurts and I need that weight off of my back and core so that I can start to heal physically. I will hopefully find a way to start eating clean again(though I am currently vegetarian), because it makes my body feel good. I will hopefully figure out how to get my mental health more stable so I can learn to obsess over people far less, so that I can heal again.
There's a lot of hopefully there. I have hope that I can be a better person. I have hope that I can commit to things. I have hope.
Here's to trying again and again, and getting back up every time I fall, no matter how many damn times that actually ends up being. Here's to it.
PAN
*A complete new outlook of life for me! Find contentment instead of happiness, happiness is a momentary feeling like sadness...contentment is a state of being!
