I am not using that as a basis for comparison for the rest of my year...not at all. This year is going to be amazing. Not perfect, just amazing.
I got the flu right off the bat, that has now transformed into a full on sinus infection. So miserable, painful and so made me want to die for many days. I swear putting me outta my misery would of been better and easier. But I made it through to the other side...still a little fuzzy, but I'll make it.
So, one of my talents is full on breakdowns. Most people don't know that they are full on breakdowns...they know I'm being a bitch or saying mean things. But they don't understand what is happening in my head. See the interesting thing for me is, I don't have a addictive personality, like most people think. I have a ocd personality, I obsess over everything. It's not a hidden trait that I keep, most people know it about me. So when I get stuck in my head, it can get very scary for me...and sometimes for others too.
Usually all it takes is a good breakdown session and I'm ok...I'm lucky to have a few strong people around me who can listen to it and deal with the irrational thoughts and help me move on without judging me or trying to force me into a different perspective. That takes unimagined talent. I'm a force not to be fucked with when I'm in my head. I say mean things, that I do not mean. I do mean things, that I do not mean. I act in mean ways, that I do not mean. I am a horrible person sometimes. And one of my biggest flaws ever, is that I find the strongest person around me and I use them as my punching bag...it's bullying behavior is what it is. I'm trying to hurt someone else to make myself feel better. It is not a good thing. Most people eventually walk away from me after a certain amount of punches from me. There are a select few that don't....but those people are very rare. It's also almost always males...haven't quite figured that one out yet though.
My breakdowns don't have to define me. I'm not sure how I will fix that part of me yet...but I will.
This year, I have so much going on already.
I have four major events happening(all costing me a arm and a leg, of course):
First, and even though most people would not think so, the most important...I do though, so suck it...is my trip to Seattle in May. I am massively in love with Seattle...like if I could marry it...I would. This will be my first ever solo trip out there, and it will be the first year that I am not focused on touristy activities. I will be completely immersing myself in MY city. I have been lucky to have made it out there as many times as I have in the past, and every time I have taken some time to get to know the city a little more intimately than the last, this time, it will be a full on experience of living that way for a full week all by myself. I am so overly excited.
Second, I will be redoing my budget in full and completely revamping all the debt I have accrued over the past year...a small part of me is ashamed to admit it, but another part is completely ok with the fact, but, I was very lost in 2014 and made some very bad decisions both with money and with other things too... All the work that I had done the past few years to get my credit back on track and myself financially stable went out the window with the split. I could have handled money better is really what it comes down to. But instead of beating myself up over it. I am taking a page outta my own book and getting it down in the right way again. So, I am working with my bank to completely reset my budget. I was blessed with a raise, a cost of living increase, a promotion and my insurance reverting to single status again all within a two month period at work. I will use that money to my advantage and get my financial situation back to a manageable one. I am positive I will reverse all the damage I have done in a short period of time. I turned my credit and financial history totally around the last time in less than two years, I will do it again this time in less than one.
Third, I will be getting a new Jeep. I love my baby...like I love her, I would...and maybe have...made sweet love to her....(hehe, Dukes of Hazzard reference). Naw, I love my car very much, but she's on her last leg as far as I can take her...I don't have the patience anymore. She's done me 5 years. Time for something different. I don't know what, or how, or by what means, or anything like that...I only know that I am going to need a new car and I have resolved to get one this spring. I have just asked the car gods to get me through the winter with her and then we'll find someone who will love her for cheap and get a new to me Jeep. Bittersweet really.
Fourth and finally is my New Years Resolution. I don't usually put a lot of stock into those. I'm very much a person who thinks that if you want change you should embody it when you feel it...not at year begin. That being said, this one was a important one. As we get older and wiser we start to move away from people that aren't giving us what we need on a daily basis. It doesn't always mean that we don't care about those people or want them in our lives...what it means is that our priorities change for one reason or another. There's no real reason for it to happen other than we have to make sacrifices one way or another. A lot of the time, the "friends" or "acquaintances" are the first to go. I have resolved to plan one everybody event per month, and one girl's night/day per month. I will attempt to choose events and activities that are low cost and family friendly where available. I will invite everyone I know and associate with in any way without regard to how other people feel about the situation or person or other issue. I will be the host, but I refuse to be the one responsible for others actions. I am completely excited for this. I miss the people that I used to know and be around all the time, and though I know our lives are different, I think we all need to be able to see each other. The ones that think they are better than others will never show, and that's ok. Those are the people I have no real interest in being around. Also, this is something I am doing for everyone, it is not a me specific thing, I'm not doing this just for me. I'm doing this because I have heard on numerous occasions from numerous people that they miss the old crew, the old hangouts, the old times. Sometimes we all do. And every month, you will have one opportunity to have those feelings back and maybe meet someone new that you just get along with like crazy.
This New Year will be good. It's going to have a lot of hard times and I am going to have breakdown moments just like I always do...but that's ok. I'm allowed. But things will get better and having goals this year will be a fantastic place for me to start.
Healing is never a easy or painless process. I am moving forward, one day, one minute and sometimes one second at a time.
Happy 2015 fuckers!! I love you all!
Pan
