How do you feel?

...ever feel like you are wasting your breath trying to get someone to understand something?

You probably are.

I remember in my relationship with Eric, I always got accused of repeating myself...and recently, I realized that was true.  I constantly nagged and said the same things.  Sometimes they were valid, other times they were just my little annoyances that I took way to far.  But either way, I repeated myself...a lot.

When you feel a certain way and you are a control freak, the number one most important thing is not only trying to get someone to understand that way of feeling, but to feel that way too.  Others can't have different opinions, cause yours is the only right opinion, the only right way to do it.

Now I am very aware and supportive of the fact that there is always many ways to the same answer or result....but for some reason, when it comes to that being put into practice...I suck.

I understand that it is important to stand up for what you feel and what you think is right.  But first, there is a time and a place for all that...and second, choose your battles wisely.  If you don't do those two things, people will always associate you with being a control freak.

Eventually if I want to move forward, I am going to have to learn how to keep my mouth shut.  If I don't like something that someone does and I have voiced my opinion on it several times, I have to figure out if it is either enough of a problem to remove that person from my everyday life, or if I can live with it.

Let's face it, everyone does at least something that another person can't stand.  To be honest if it wasn't that way, we would all be terribly bored with life.  We need difference and change and uniqueness for relationships to build successfully.

When I am hurt I tend to have these behaviors more, I think I subconsciously think that having these behaviors is protecting me.  Really they are just hurting me more, pushing the people away that I love so dearly.  Reevaluating your ideals and thought processes to find out if they work anymore is really fucking hard.  Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to change, this is just who I am...and if you don't like it, you can leave my life.  But then I realize how incredibly lonely of a life that could be if everyone I love leaves because of my ideals that they didn't agree with.

All that being said, I have to learn when it is important to say the things that are important to me and focus on the things that are actually hurting me.  My heart is the most important thing to me, and though it is the thing that gets hurt the most...because I'm so damn sensitive...it's also the thing I have to learn to protect the right way to stop the hurt from happening in the first place.

Sometimes when I talk and say how I feel, people don't listen.  I'm not sure why.  I probably don't listen very well to other peoples feelings either.  Maybe we don't know how to deliver them, maybe we complain, or yell, or cry, or fight, or maybe even stay silent.  It all comes down to communication...we don't know how to communicate...I don't know how to communicate.

I'm not the best listener, and I don't always let people know how I feel in a constructive manner.  I'm not sure how to tell someone that they are doing something wrong or hurtful towards me without it coming off as blame or attack, even though I do try.

Communication is apparently a very difficult thing for me.  I am good at pretending that I am, but I'm not.  It's a issue that I've had in my personal and professional life.  I have always had to take care of myself, so talking to others about what needs to be done or what I am doing always seemed pointless.  Why do I need to talk to someone about it if I'm just going to do it myself anyway.

I have always felt very independent, but not a healthy independent, a forced independent.  It makes me weak to ask for help, so I only do it from one or two people.  I don't trust people to do things I need for me.  I don't ask for advice, I know best.  I don't ask for support, I will do it myself, I also just expect people to read my mind and support what I need.  I hide myself from people and tend to be more of a loner because of these things.  I don't, no matter what, want to appear as if I can't do it on my own...because not being able to do everything on your own is a sign of weakness.

I actually don't really believe that...I actually think that not being able to ask for help is a bigger sign of weakness.  I can't do everything on my own, and I know that, but for the most part, you'll never hear me admit it.

I hate to feel helpless, it is probably my biggest fear from a emotional standpoint.  When you feel helpless, you're frozen, you can't do anything.  Even with people pushing or getting mad at you...you just stop and can't do anything at all.

I digress...

I don't want to have to repeat myself over and over, I want the people in my life to take this things I say seriously.

That being said...I need to learn to pick my battles...I have to learn to ask myself "How important to you is this?".  I need to find out if, whatever it is, if it's a deal breaker for me in any way.  If not, I need to keep my mouth shut.  I want to keep my relationships with people from deteriorating.

It's hard to feel, listen, communicate, ask for help and be independent.  Learning to do these things when they do not come naturally for you is even harder.

I hope to become successfully balanced soon.......

Pan

 

Christmas Eve...

...this year it's painful, and nothing will make it less painful.

Today was the one time in the year that Eric's mom and dad were front and center in our life.  Oddly, I miss them...a lot.

I met Eric's mom briefly when she was living at the house she owned with her ex, the one Eric was living in when I met him, then I started to get to know her better when she was getting sober(which she did with flying colors).  She didn't really like me at first, probably cause I was a bit like her and had some of the same behaviors.  I think over the years she learned to love me...maybe she never really liked me, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure how I met Eric's dad, more than likely it was when he brought some of Eric's stuff to my house the first time.

Today was a day of happiness for us, every year...opening gifts, having food and spending time just hanging out...it was simple, but it was good.

I haven't contacted either of them since the split other than to give Eric's mom some cupcakes for mother's day and to send her and her partner a card congratulating them on their wedding.

I don't feel like I'm welcome to contact them either.  I wish they would call me, and tell me they want to see me.  But I suppose that would hinder my healing as well.

When you have traditions, and people that are a part of your life for so long, you really lose feel lost when those traditions and people aren't around anymore.

I don't understand how to feel or how to be a part of something else yet.  I don't want to right now.

Today, it might be Christmas Eve for many, but for me, it's a day to mourn the loss of something that I took for granted every year before now.

I miss and love them very much still and I hope that their Christmas Eve is filled with love, laughter and happiness!

Pan

....

...

Today I haven't been able to concentrate at all.  I have not gotten much work done, can't think about what I'm supposed to be doing.  Can't think of what to write in my blog, can't remember what I need to do tomorrow.

My brain is officially on vacation, and it's not to a happy, fun place.  It's to a sad, lonely, dark place.

Today is not a good day for me.  This week hasn't been good.

I will leave you with this:  Whatever your problems, there are those of us that have had them too...

Pan

...for a long time in my life, I thought my expectations of people were too high.

What if they weren't always?

What if what it really is the majority of the time people are just selfish?

It's a sad thing that you can't rely on people's word anymore.  Someone says they want to or will do something, and unfortunately they don't...it's so discouraging.

This was a common theme in my marriage and and I'm seeing it in other places in my life as well.  I don't think that people even realize they do it.

I'm not a perfect person, I make lots of mistakes...and I don't expect anyone else to be perfect, I just expect you to not hurt my heart...and that shit up there, it's one of the most permanent ways to hurt it.

I don't want to make anyones choices anymore, and I don't want to have unreasonable expectations of anyone.  I want for everyone to be honest and open and truthful.

Pan

Thursdays...

Thursdays are my home group for Al-Anon.

That means today, usually no matter what...I get to heal in one way or another.

Now granted I'm still grasping at straws sometimes and some of the people there I don't like and sometimes I just don't wanna go, but I'm still getting what I need.

I have gone away from my program a little more than I have wanted to, but I have always made sure to go to my home group.

I feel good when I am there, I feel like I am around people who understand what it is like to be in a relationship with a active addict/dry drunk and to grow up under a dry drunk and codependent.  The things that I learn about myself and how these relationships affected me is amazing, scary and eye-opening all at the same time.

I didn't realize until I got into Al-Anon that my father was the picture of a dry drunk.  Everything he did radiated it.  I never knew anything about my dad's past, my sisters really didn't talk much about it and most of what my mom told me was fabricated in some way.  My father was a very lost soul, and most people don't really understand that.  The level of abuse he suffered went far beyond what he dished out, the level of anger that he encountered was about what he dished out and I know that he never got any help for it.

When I met Eric I think it was the same kind of attraction.  Oh, here's a guy and he's like my dad and maybe I can help him instead.  Now that wasn't my front brain telling me that...I just think that was a subconscious motive.  He was a active user, pretty much anything he could get his hands on short of heroin, he'd do.  Things got better with that as time went on until it was only alcohol and weed...which I was for a long time ok with.

In my recovery I am learning that we all become what we are taught and the vast majority of people don't get out of that cycle, even when they want to.  I am learning that the behaviors that I were taught have followed me into adulthood.  The only difference now is that the things I learned to cope, defend and protect myself from aren't protecting me anymore, they are actually hindering my growth.

The alcoholics in my life were never the problem.  They are just doing what they do, I'm the one going crazy trying to fix everything.  I'm the one reacting to it.  I'm the one overreacting to it.  I'm the one trying to fix things when I shouldn't be.

I remember when I met Eric, he had a warrant out for his arrest.  Long story short, he got picked up.  I spent 16 fucking hours trying to figure out how to get him out of jail so he could get back to work that night so he wouldn't lose his job.  Would him losing his job have affected me, sure.  But was it my responsibility to spend all that time trying to fix his fuck up, absolutely not.  That was my life with Eric, fixing every mistake and it made it easy for Eric to never see the consequences, never see the result of what his choices brought him.  Cause I always fixed them before anything got really out of control.

That was never my responsibility, but I felt like it was, cause he was my boyfriend/husband and that was my job...to take care of him no matter what, no matter when.  But it wasn't, now that I am learning that, I hope it makes it easier for me in future relationship(should I have any).

I am not anyone elses caretaker, I am my own and this caretaker is going to take her ass to her meeting!

Pan

Bwahahahaha, it's true too! ;)

Fucking holidays...

...this year the holidays can suck it.

Really, call me the fucking Grinch...

I usually love this time of year.  I adore planning holiday parties and attending them, I LOVE buying people the perfect gift, I like the shopping, decorating the house, getting a real live amazing smelling tree, the food, cookies, snow....I usually pretty much love all of it.

This year, everything above makes me cry.  It's not fun right now.  I don't want to go shopping...cause Eric is usually with me helping pick out that perfect gift, I don't want to get a real tree...cause Eric is usually the one carrying it to/from the truck and into the house, setting it up and right by my side decorating it, I don't want to go to or plan holiday parties because I don't want to attend by myself and get a bunch of questions about Eric.  I don't want any of it.  If they holidays came and went without me noticing, I would be a very happy girl this year.

I knew that this would be hard for me this year, I knew that all holidays would...but I knew there would be four very specific times at least the first year that would be tremendously hard.  The first I knew would be our anniversary, Oct 15th...luckily, that is also tax day at my work...so it came and went pretty fast.  The second is Christmas...which we all know actually lasts all of December, between seeing his mom & dad(who I obviously don't get to see this year and I am ridiculously sad about that) and my family, and all the above mentioned stuff...Eric and I both used to really love this part of the year...I would go as far as to say it was collectively one of our favorites.  The third is going to be Valentines Day, for obvious reasons...though I am seeing 50 Shades of Grey with a great date this coming year...so hey, maybe that will be a bit easier.  The fourth is my birthday, every year I do a event and I will be really thrilled to be around as much as my friends and family as choose to come, but I know that it will be hard because the last one was just a few weeks before we split.

I was hoping I could just get through it with grace and really pretend that none of it bothered me...but just all the cheer and happiness at my work potluck, which I planned and executed(mostly), really took all the wind I had.  I thought since it was work, a good time, and something that Eric was never a part of, I wouldn't have such a hard time since it really had nothing to do with my relationship...I was wrong apparently.  The tears started flowing pretty much immediately after everyone left and I finally got to sit down.  I miss what I had and how it used to be.

I am being as proactive as I can with this holiday shit.  I offered to run the newcomers meeting on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, I will be working both of those days as well.  I will be busy for those few days...so I pray that they come and go quickly.

The only holiday anything I am doing this year is the potluck and Christmas at my sisters...neither of which I am interested in...but both I am expected at.  I don't want anyone to think it's them(because it's not) and I really don't want to be a child, but it is what it is.

I really never thought that this could be as painful as it is.  It hurts so badly.  I just want my life back, I don't want to learn to live again right now.  I want my husband to be there as we celebrate the holidays with the people that are important to us.  I don't want to do it alone...without him.

Trying to find a new "normal" is I think the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I am not one of those people that can move on quickly from a painful life event...it usually takes a lot of time and people holding me up. This time, I have a lot of time...but I don't have a lot of people around, and I think a big part of me is just to scared or stubborn(I haven't decided which) to make myself vulnerable enough to ask people to be around. I think I don't like being vulnerable in front of people.

Today, as you can see is a really, really, really hard day.  The coming week will probably be close to just as hard.  There's going to be a lot of tears, a lot of time spent sleeping and a lot of time doing anything I can to take my mind off of what time of year it is and what is going on.

I do wish you a fantastic holiday season though...I hope that Santa brings you everything you wish for and that you get to see and love anyone in your life that is important to you!  Cause that is what this time of year is especially for.

Also, keep in mind that there are so many out there that don't have anywhere near as much as you do.  Donate something, volunteer somewhere or help someone that you normally wouldn't, because even if you think that your life is bad or you hate this time...there is someone out there that needs something much more than you do!

Pan

*This is my attempt(or rather my sisters) at the season...it's cute...I do love it.

Blank canvas...

...when you have the opportunity to completely change your life, what do you do?  What do you want to do?

What I want to do, and apparently what I do are two completely different things.  I know that I am not yet ready to do what I want to do...I do know that I am ready to do what I am doing.


What I want to do:  Apply for a job in King County, get said job, move to Seattle.  Live.

What I am doing:  Keeping the job I have(which I do love), living in a teeny apartment(which I am learning to love), staying in Minnesota(which I love/hate).  Learning to live(again).


After living my life for one way for almost 10 years, it's a extremely hard transition for me to all of a sudden live differently.  Some people expect a immediate change out of me, others expect slowly and still others expect none.  I want it to be easy, I want the transition to just happen and all of a sudden I know how to live and what to do and it's just smooth.  I don't think that's real.  I think that what I am dealing with in my life, the number of things...there is no smooth way to handle them.  It's a Jeep ride down a mountain side kind of thing.  Hold on to the "oh shit" bars and hope you make it to the bottom in one piece.  I'm working at it, my Jeep ride is going a little slower and rougher than I would like.

That all being said, I do have a blank canvas in front of me.  How do I create it...there's endless possibilities.

I have never taken the time in my life to figure out what I am good at.  I know some things I like to do, but even those are lacking.  Nearly all of my adult life has been spent taking care of others(whether they wanted it or not), that I don't really know me...and I'm not really sure how to find "me".  I want to have hobbies, things I enjoy doing alone...most everything I like to do involves others and is adventure based in some way or another.

I adore adventure, but fear often stops me from doing the things I want to do.  I am usually nervous to do things alone, or that could be permanent, scared to fail or succeed really, terrified that I will get hurt or die.  Fear is one of my biggest hindrances, which I think is true for most people...but very true for co-dependent control freaks.

When looking at a canvas, you can see endless possibilities if your brain works that way...otherwise it's just scary to look at.  I have a little of both going on.  I want to create and experience and live...but there's so much uncertainty.

I have been in my shell recently.  I haven't been out and doing things as I should.  I am being a hermit...which needs to end soon, I miss my friends...I miss being out and having a life of fun.

I need a plan to start recreating my story.

Any ideas?

Pan

Family...

...I don't look at family in the same way that most do.

Firstly, let me say, I am probably going to offend someone that I am related to in this blog, for that...I'll apologize ahead of time.

Blood relation doesn't really matter to me.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, my parents were both selfish individuals who probably would have been better off not having kids(though like I have said a million times before, I AM glad that I am here and that they did have kids), and pretty much my entire extended family had no interest in knowing me.

I was kind of raised as a only child, my sisters are 18 and 16 years older than me.  My "step" brothers and sister are my age, but I was only around them about 25% of the time.  Most of the time I lived with my mother as a only child.

My sisters and nephew are the only blood family that I have any contact with(save facebook), and I am good with that.

Family isn't about who you're related to for me.  It's about who's there for you no matter what, and who you'd be there for no matter what.  I have few people in my life that I consider actual family.

Let's face it, I'm kind of a bitch, and I can be hard to love, get along with, or even be around sometimes.  The people that have stuck around mean a lot to me...not in the least because I know I'm a handful. :P

I've always felt like I was a afterthought in people's lives, have felt that way as far back as I can remember.  I always felt not important, or not needed.  Might be why I feel it's so dire for me to know where I stand with people and need constant reassurance that I am wanted in their life.  Most people don't like such a needy person, I get that...it can be exhausting.

My sister Cindy is the person I am closest to in this world.  She has been there for pretty much every stumble, and success in my life.  And there's been a lot, of both.  She's pretty much my mom, or the closest I ever really felt I had to one.  Some of my favorite memories in life come from her.  One of the best was the giant canvas she brought into her itty bitty apartment and let me paint it with her...finger paint no less!  Another is my first day of kindergarten, she dressed me in overalls and brought me to the bus stop...neither of my parents were there, which is weird.  Another was my first time on a rollercoaster...I had to crawl up the ramp.  And there's the holidays, birthdays, graduations, and everything else that she tried to make special when no one else did.

This weekend I went to her house to bake, the past few years, I got together with Eric's mom to bake...both of them have now commented on how over-ambitious I was with baking.  Ha!  It happens.

It was hard to remember that I used to do this with someone else I considered family.  It still feels like Eric and the people he was close to are my family.  Those people, all of a sudden, I'm not close to, I don't get to see them or talk to them at all.  When we split, so did most of Eric's family, so did mine.  I don't understand that.  I am not one of those people that thinks that a relationship ending means all your relationships with people that they know need to end too.  I put effort into that relationship, why do I have to let it go away.

I don't have a desire to create a family either.  I don't want kids, I am fine with not getting married again, and I really don't need anymore family than I have.  It may sound a bit like I am bitter about it, and maybe there is a part of me that is...but mostly it's just something I am sure of.

If you aren't wanting to be in my life, then I don't want you to be in my life.  I really only want the people around that want to be here.  I keep my circle very tight and small.  I don't like loose ends, and I don't like putting myself out there for people that wouldn't do the same for me, which I've done a lot in the past and got bit, hard.  I am one of those people that if you need something, I'm there for you, pretty much no matter what.  People like to take advantage of that.

I've come to the conclusion that people in general complicate things, but family more than anything...and I'm not really sure why.  I feel like family are the ones that are always suppose to have your back, but really they are the ones that end up hurting you the most.  I don't get it.

In the end, family does matter...but it should be who you desire to be your family, not who you think you have to love because you got thrown into the same bloodline as them.  Love who you feel is your family.

Pan

Ack, the feelings!!

I swear feelings are the enemy...

Eric texted me last night when I was getting ready to leave for my meeting.  It was a pleasant thing he contacted me about, it got a tiny bit tense in the middle, for me, and then it ended surprisingly thoughtfully on his part.

It made me just a touch irritable in the beginning of the text, then as the conversation progressed, annoyed...but at the end I was shocked and overwhelmed...with feelings...

 

It's easier to be angry at Eric, then I don't have to think of the nice guy that I loved and miss.  I get to think about why I don't like him and what he does that just makes me livid.  When he's nice, I think about that guy that was special and good to me.  It hurts far more.

I don't want to be angry with him, I really enjoy being able to have a conversation about things without one of us getting mad.  But considering that I am moving forward in my life, I would prefer not to miss him anymore than I already do.

Trying to figure out how to completely move on from someone that you know you can't be with, but that you are having a hard time hating isn't easy.

My exes, for the most part, I still don't really like them...they were kinda horrible dicks.  Eric is different, he was good to me, though of course I never really saw it at the time.  He thought of me often and made me first in a lot of ways that others never would have.

I used to ask him to surprise me with things when he went to the store, he would always bring me back something that was thoughtful and mostly me...but I almost always didn't like it.  I always told him he should've done something else, or that I really wasn't in the mood for whatever it was he brought, or that is wasn't right for some other reason.  Why was nothing ever good enough from him?

For Christmas a couple of years ago, he took his bonus check, which he told me he didn't get, and surprised me with a diamond ring from Kohls.  He told me he got it for me because I never got to get a wedding band.  Everything about it was wrong...and my reaction...I was so shocked that I basically shut the box right away...in front of my whole family he gave this to me.  Something that he spent a lot of money on, picked out just for me, took all this time and was amazingly excited to give to me, and I acted like it didn't matter.  I know now that I did it because I was in shock and that a big part of me subconsiously didn't think I deserved nice things from him...but it hurt him so badly, and I feel so horrible about it to this day.  What a fucked up thing for me to do to him.

I know that I never treated Eric very well...much like he was a child that could never do anything right.  I don't know if I realized until it was too late that was the case.

It makes me sad, not knowing what we could have been had all the bullshit not got in the way...if I had been a better person and if he had been a better person, what could have happened.

See, and this is the reason he can't be nice to me...I start remembering his wonderful sides, and my shitty ones.

Love the people that love you...they are so important.

Pan

Heart of ice...and self worth...

...my heart is surrounded by a thick layer of ice...

I personally think that's better than a brick wall...at least someone can melt the ice around my heart and use the ice chunks for a nice cold beverage or something.

I don't really know how to deal with my heart right now.  The feelings it has all the time are confusing.  Up, down, left, right, circles, zig-zags...that bitch is all over the place.  The feelings are very much about love and pain, desire and confusion.

You ever have a choice you have to make and then you make it and you're terrified that you made the wrong choice...terrified that you thought and thought and thought...and then somehow you were wrong.  Yeah, my heart does that constantly.  That goes back to yesterday's post a bit with the whole emotion vs logic conversation.  My brain tells me one thing, my heart tells me another.

I know that for years and years, when I make a choice with my heart...I end up getting hurt.  When I make the choice with my brain, I'm scared I made the wrong choice.  Even when I get hurt from my heart choice, I never feel like it was the wrong choice...I always feel like it was the right choice, cause I made it with my heart.  And let's face it, my heart rules.  No really, my heart's amazing.

But then we come to this lovely conversation about self-worth.  Is my heart leading me to not care about my self-worth?  Is it causing me to make choices that actually harm my self-worth?  Maybe...what if my heart is sabotaging me????  Omg, what if that's it....that bastard.  Go figure, I spend years trying to get it what it wants and then it fucks me over....sounds like my boyfriends.  I apparently need to date myself.

...I am worth a lot.

I am worth more than I act or think that I am.  Sometimes my self-worth waivers and I think I am worthless.  So I sell myself for cheap.  Giving to whoever will take me or shows me kindness in any way.  That is not ok with me.

I am worth being chased.  I am worth having boundaries.  I am worth being around good people that lift me up and want the best for me.  I am worth kindness.  I am worth making choices and decisions that will best suit me before deciding how they will suit others.  I am worth others loving me in the ways I need, not only the ways they need.  I am worth being kissed in the rain.  I am worth going to the store 20 miles further away cause they have the ice cream I like.  I am worth being surprised...with anything good.  I am worth time.  I am worth loving.

I don't ever want to do anything to hurt anyone. I will usually do everything I can, including sacrificing myself, to make sure that people don't have to go through pain.  I know though that I can't live like that, I have to make myself important to myself.  That is one of my greatest weaknesses.  I am so incredibly used to being treated like I am not really all that important that I have, in ways, started to believe it myself.  So it's easy to walk on me.

I think I was taught to give as much as you can of yourself before you break(though I'm really not sure who taught me that). Everyone else always comes first, you are secondary in your life. Your feelings are less important than how someone else feels. If someone wants something, you give it to them but put up a fight and look like a ass. Really your a door mat. Somehow, I was taught that....

It's becoming easier to stand up for myself...even when my heart tells me there's not a reason to.  See, she can be taught!!

It comes down to this...if you want me in any way, put in the work, I'm worth it.

Also, so are you...you always have been...you just have to see it!

Pan


*Two songs inspired me in this blog today...both are loving songs, sorta.
    ~Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me
    ~Skillet - Everything Goes Black

It's all about heart...

...sometimes I forget that people can't read my mind.  Or that they have their own lives to attend to.  Or that they don't know my story.  Or that they just flat out don't care about what I am going through right this moment.

And, I also forget that all of those things are ok.

All I want is for someone to instinctively know what I need.  I know that's not a fair statement, but it's the truth.

I crave human affection and desire, I crave for people to care about me in a way that they don't care about other people, and mostly I crave love.

I was talking to my sister the other day and one of the topics that came up were that we are both very emotional creatures.  We don't always think with our heads or logic, we much more often think with our hearts and emotions.  Now that being said, I am a logical person.  I know not to step in front of oncoming traffic, or I'll get hit by a car and be hurt or die.  I know to pay my bills or they will turn my services off or report me to the credit bureau.  I know that I can't leave food on the stove for a long period of time or it will burn and maybe start a fire.  I am logical, I know logical things.  BUT...when it comes to emotion, logic is out the window.

My heart rules my life, I have told people for years that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Everyone knows pretty much everything about me.  I don't hide anything about myself.  When I'm unhappy, you can tell...everything about me shows it.  When I'm happy, you can tell as well.  Why hide anyway?

I make decisions based on how I feel or how I think it will make someone else feel.  If it hurts my heart to think about it, I do everything I can to stop that...sometimes even at the expense of others.  That's a flaw, but it's a honest flaw...I am trying to stop pain.

When taking those stupid quiz things on facebook...they ask: "What word sticks out the most to you?"  It's always "Love".  Always.

Love is what I live for, it is what I would die for.  Maybe it's because the only people that really ever showed me it growing up were my sisters...literally.  My parents, if they did love me, did not show it.  My extended family wanted nothing to do with me.  My friends never stuck around for long, probably because of my own doing, but still.  People that came into my life rarely stayed.  Maybe I did something to make it that way, maybe I even did it subconsciously on purpose.  Love was always the one thing that I wanted that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't force and I couldn't get it to stay.  I never really have been able to.

I wonder if it's like that kitten that you squeeze so hard because you love it so much, you kill it.  You didn't mean to do it, it just happens.  Then you're really sad and don't know what to do with yourself until you get another one.

Does this mean that loves replaceable?  I was told once, not long ago, that I could never be replaced only substituted.  I think that's true...I think when you truly whole body, heart and soul love someone...no one can ever take that part of you away or replace that part.

Love is epically important...romantic, platonic, or otherwise.

I want my heart to be the reason that someone lives or dies, I want my heart to be the most important thing in the world to them. I want someone to love me the way that I love...freely, openly, honestly, and real.

So it comes down to heart...it's all about heart.  DO YOU think you have heart...if you're reading this blog...I bet you do.

Pan

Accidental Healing....

...I'm not sure what that means, or what it even is.

I do know that it's happening...sooooooo slowly.



We could get into all the details, but I think I'll just start by saying this:

I still hurt every day from losing Eric, and I did(and still do) love him with all of my heart.



Here's our story, it's just the bare bones...but I'm sure I'll fill in the rest as time goes by:

Eric and I met at a house party celebrating our mutual friend Lug's birthday.  We met over a tray of meth; yes you did read that right, a tray of the stuff.

For whatever reason, I decided before heading to this party that I needed to Goth myself up a bit, knee high red patent platform boots, skintight jeans, black tank top, black shawl, drop dead red lipstick, smoky black eyes...yes, I knew how to play that part well.  I went with a friend and her boyfriend, and we headed there.  Eric opened the door, I will NEVER forget the moment I saw him, shaved head, mustache/goatee, white beater, black jean shorts, and piercings galore.  He was gorgeous, and I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a couple of beats when I saw him.  He asked who we were, I told him we knew Lug and he shut the door in my face, no lie...he just shut the door.  We really didn't know what to do, so we waited.  It was only a minute before he came back and invited us in.  That's when I saw the giant tray of meth being pulled out from under the couch.  Apparently, that was how they rolled here in this house, and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I found out later that this was a drug house; Eric's mom lived there too.  That was how I met her, she called down from the upstairs to ask if someone would go buy her a six-pack.  I said I would.  The night went on, and by the end of it, Eric had given me his number and I was sure we were soulmates.

A couple of days later, I invited Eric over to swim in my pool.  Him and his buddy came by and swam and smoked and drank.  I never realized that I was an addicts dream come true.  We hung out for a couple of days, and then I, being the exemplary person I was, invited him to live with me.  He happily accepted, mostly just to get out of his mom's haunted basement, plus he got everything he needed from me, a warm place to stay, a place for everything he owned, food, cigarettes, booze, weed...all for free.

I didn't fall in love with him right away, that took a month.  Then I fell, heart, body and soul in love with him.  The whole while I was telling him this, he was literally telling me "I don't love you".  I didn't listen, I thought that if I just kept giving him what he needed and helped him get his life together, eventually he would love me.  So that's what I did.  I had a job at the time that paid me very well, but I lost it because I thought it was my responsibility to make sure he was clean at all times, that he wasn't out there finding meth.  I also didn't understand that the meth wasn't the problem, Eric's addiction was.  So I "allowed" him to drink, smoke weed, pop ecstasy, hit acid, eat mushrooms, and really do any other drug out there, as long as it wasn't meth....cause I knew, that's what the real problem was.

I helped him to get jobs, and after about eight months he finally started his temp job at what would become his career.  He became an electro-plater, and he was good.  Eric has always had a very good work ethic.  He quickly became the "golden boy" as I liked to call him.  He got hired on permanently four months later, he has since held damn near every job there, including foreman.  He loved his job, even though it was dangerous.  Eric is, and always has been, very good at his job.  I felt good, because it seemed he had a purpose again, he seemed to start to get happier.

Things started to escalate in our lives before that, we became abusive towards each other.  We called each other names, swore at each other, said extremely hurtful things to each other, and were physically abusive.  And people saw all of it.  I was called a fucking bitch, cunt, crazy, psycho, fat, lazy, ugly among other things on a regular basis.  I got put up against walls by my throat, slapped, punched in the face.  I cried a lot, cut myself once in a awhile, and just generally wondered what I did to deserve these things.  I was not an innocent, I called Eric an asshole, told him he would never be anything better than his parents, screamed hurtful things.  I also shoved him into things, slapped him and threw things at him...sometimes getting so close to his head that I could have killed him.

We broke up a year later, he stayed in my apartment and I went to live with a friend until I could get back on my feet.  We continued to see each other, and after I got my new little bedbug infested studio, Eric started spending more time at my house than his own, then he cancelled his lease and moved in with me.  Shortly after that we moved into a two bedroom in the same complex.  Life seemed to get better.

Other than when there was drinking involved, life was mostly good.

Eric and I share a couple of passions, one of them is animals.  We had our little menagerie: our twin cats, Phantom and Joker, our dur-dur cat, Milky, our two awesome ferrets, Maximus and Minimus, our little water dragon, Myth, and our sugar gliders, Widget and Twitch.  We loved having all of them around.

We lived, we really did.  Went to many shows, hung out with our close friends, took day or weekend trips, spent every last penny(which Eric hated, but I loved).  Celebrated holidays doing everything we could to celebrate them.  Went on adventures that no one else had been on.  We lived.

Halloween of 2012 changed our lives forever, the house we lived in at the time did that in general, but Halloween of that year cemented it.  We went to a house party, same one we had been to the prior two years.  We both drank, but apparently Eric drank to the point of blacking out.  After we got home, I struggled for an hour to get him into bed...I finally got him there.  Then I went to chill in the living room and passed out on the chair.  I woke up to Eric pissing on me...in the chair.  I freaked out.  I was livid, yelling, wondering what the fuck and why the fuck someone would ever do that to me.  Eric started punching, and hitting me, at one point I was on my back on the bed and the only thing that I could do was kick him every other second to stop him from killing me.  I thought he was going to kill me.  The next day, I told him point blank if he ever drank again I was gone.  He stopped drinking.  The problem for us, he still wasn't addressing his addiction, he was living sober, but not recovering...and neither was I.

I always thought I knew what was best, and maybe, somehow, I did.  But it might not have always been what Eric felt was best for him.  He always felt trapped, even though his life was getting better, he didn't feel like things were getting better.  He felt as if he had no say over what happened in his own life.  He was living in a prison in his own head, because he didn't have any choices, I made all of them for him.  He felt as if he had no freedom, and in reality he didn't.

I felt justified in doing many of the things I did, I mean, Eric is the one who cheated, lied, and conned me.  He had slept with my (supposed)friend in my bed while I was gone, and then in my closet and bathroom when I was sleeping.  He stole from me.  Lied about everything, big, little, it didn't matter.  If he didn't want to face it, he lied.  He wrote love letters to ex-girlfriends, told me how much he loved them, how much more he loved them than he loved me.  I felt so incredibly worthless; I figured if he was going to keep me, he was all I deserved.  And if that was the case, I was going to do as much as I could to stop myself from getting hurt again.  Unfortunately, many of those things actually ended up hurting me more than I ever realized they would.  I stopped Eric from having a car, that way, he couldn't visit people that I didn't want him to.  I stopped him from having a phone, that way, he couldn't call or text people that I didn't trust.  I stopped him from having access to the computer, that way, he couldn't contact people that I didn't trust or download porn and viruses onto my computer.  I told Eric what he needed to do, when he needed to do it and how.  Eric had the choice to stay or not, but I basically mentally imprisoned him.  It was never right; I should have never lived life that way.  I should have never lived his life for him.

I should have left Eric when he cheated, it would have saved me so much pain, but I also would have missed out on so many memories.  So many times that I cannot even imagine not having been part of my past.  Those memories are still hard to live...the bad is easy, it makes me sad...but I remember why we are not together.  The good, which there was a lot of, I'm not ready to live because it makes me sad in a different way, I miss him more than words when I think of even easy things like a movie we both loved or a place we both loved to be.  Everything reminds me of him, so I cry constantly, I think of him often.

Eric is and always was a very good man, with a very sick past.  He was raised surrounded by active alcoholic/addicts.  He was abused and treated very badly, sometimes knowing some of the things that I do, I realize how lucky he is to have made it out the other side, sober and healthy.

I kicked Eric out of the house Friday March 28th, 2014.  We were in a fight, over I don't even know what.  Eric was sitting on his bed, with his head in his hands and he said "I've never loved you.".  I died in that moment.  I told him to get the fuck out.  I was done.  That was the straw that they talk about...the one that broke the camel’s back.  It hurt way too much to think that he had never loved me, in everything we had been through, in all we had done together and for each other, that he had never loved me through all of it.  That I had wasted 9 years of my life with someone who had never loved me.

I realize now, it doesn't truly matter if he loved me or not.  I was there where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be.  For him and for me.  Eric was clean and sober when I left, and hopefully he stays that way.  I know that I influenced that, whether for good or bad, I was there to help him find his way.  I know that I also was a co-dependent and an enabler for much of that time as well...but the good was there too.  I kept him alive when maybe he wouldn't have been able to keep himself alive once or twice, maybe that's all it was.  But I was there.

I joined Al-Anon the same day that I kicked Eric out.  I was completely lost and had no idea what to do or where to turn.  They helped save me from myself...I learn each day what I did wrong and why my thinking needs to change or I will never be a healthy happy person, and that is something I crave with every fiber of my being.

I am a good person, I have very good intentions and that's how I live my life.  They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions...well then I'm going to hell, cause all I can rely on is what I intend to do.  I can learn and adjust as I make mistakes, but let's face it...I suck at that...so it may take me some time. :/

I am starting this blog as a way to heal.  I hope that it helps people I care about realize that I am a good person, just a very hurt person.  This blog isn't for anyone else, if someone reads it and it helps them, good, but it has to be for me.

Pan