...that quote is taken directly from one of my favorite songs of all time.
It's a beautiful quote, but I just realized how closely it applies to my life.
Here's the thing...I love(d) Eric very very much.
Letting go of someone you love that much isn't easy. People are sick of me talking about it, they're annoyed with me being sad, or crying, or being emotional. ...or talking about it, or talking about it...or yeah...you get the picture. That's not fair. Those people, whether saying it out loud, or in their heads...they didn't live the relationship, and besides it's only been 10 fucking months...for a nearly 10 year, in love relationship.
I am letting go, but it's very hard...
Eric was everything, literally everything that I have ever wanted in a guy. He completely healed my heart in so many ways, and tore it apart in just as many. Between the two of us, we ruined us. Not that it was ever meant to last, but hey, only god knows that.
As time goes, time heals...but some days actually feel harder, probably because the anger is subsiding. Every day I am less angry at him and some days I am more angry at myself. I'm realizing many of the hurtful things I did without bias. Without me going back to why it's actually his fault. Because while much of it was his fault and his responsibility, there was so much of it that was mine as well.
I still miss him everyday. The life we had together wasn't perfect, but it was ours. It's so hard to let go of someone you shared so much with. Someone said this to me..."What hurts the most is knowing how deeply you truly do love that person, but knowing you can't be together...it's like poison. It hurts to be with that person, and it hurts to not." Wiser words have not been spoken in my case.
Being with Eric, I was deeply depressed, in pain all the time, constantly sad, but we had a lot of good and loving moments. Being without Eric, I am deeply depressed, in pain all the time, constantly sad, but I have a lot of good and loving moments. The ONLY difference now is that I KNOW things will get better...eventually...probably not soon...but eventually. In the relationship, I could only hope...sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't...but I could never be sure. I think it was, but that could just be the positivity coming out?
Things will get better and I will get stronger again...but in the meantime, I am definitely finding out who my true friends/supporters really are, because honestly I don't give a fuck about how you treat me when things are good in my life. I care how you treat me when the shit hits the fan and I'm a giant mess. That shows me your true colors.
I am a huge fucking puddle of a mess right now, I am not going to try to hide it with a smile or sweep it under a rug. I am making bad choices, doing stupid things, saying the wrong things and not being the best person. I am just learning to take care of myself again, to put myself first. And you better believe that I will learn to do those things again.
When I do, I will be a strong, independent, adventurous, outgoing, positive, unique, crazy, happy person again.
That's Pan, that's the real me. That bitch will most definitely be back.
Pan
*Listening to:
~Call Me - Shinedown
~Let Me Go - Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger
~Crystallize - Lindsey Stirling
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