You probably are.
I remember in my relationship with Eric, I always got accused of repeating myself...and recently, I realized that was true. I constantly nagged and said the same things. Sometimes they were valid, other times they were just my little annoyances that I took way to far. But either way, I repeated myself...a lot.
When you feel a certain way and you are a control freak, the number one most important thing is not only trying to get someone to understand that way of feeling, but to feel that way too. Others can't have different opinions, cause yours is the only right opinion, the only right way to do it.
Now I am very aware and supportive of the fact that there is always many ways to the same answer or result....but for some reason, when it comes to that being put into practice...I suck.
I understand that it is important to stand up for what you feel and what you think is right. But first, there is a time and a place for all that...and second, choose your battles wisely. If you don't do those two things, people will always associate you with being a control freak.
Eventually if I want to move forward, I am going to have to learn how to keep my mouth shut. If I don't like something that someone does and I have voiced my opinion on it several times, I have to figure out if it is either enough of a problem to remove that person from my everyday life, or if I can live with it.
Let's face it, everyone does at least something that another person can't stand. To be honest if it wasn't that way, we would all be terribly bored with life. We need difference and change and uniqueness for relationships to build successfully.
When I am hurt I tend to have these behaviors more, I think I subconsciously think that having these behaviors is protecting me. Really they are just hurting me more, pushing the people away that I love so dearly. Reevaluating your ideals and thought processes to find out if they work anymore is really fucking hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to change, this is just who I am...and if you don't like it, you can leave my life. But then I realize how incredibly lonely of a life that could be if everyone I love leaves because of my ideals that they didn't agree with.
All that being said, I have to learn when it is important to say the things that are important to me and focus on the things that are actually hurting me. My heart is the most important thing to me, and though it is the thing that gets hurt the most...because I'm so damn sensitive...it's also the thing I have to learn to protect the right way to stop the hurt from happening in the first place.
Sometimes when I talk and say how I feel, people don't listen. I'm not sure why. I probably don't listen very well to other peoples feelings either. Maybe we don't know how to deliver them, maybe we complain, or yell, or cry, or fight, or maybe even stay silent. It all comes down to communication...we don't know how to communicate...I don't know how to communicate.
I'm not the best listener, and I don't always let people know how I feel in a constructive manner. I'm not sure how to tell someone that they are doing something wrong or hurtful towards me without it coming off as blame or attack, even though I do try.
Communication is apparently a very difficult thing for me. I am good at pretending that I am, but I'm not. It's a issue that I've had in my personal and professional life. I have always had to take care of myself, so talking to others about what needs to be done or what I am doing always seemed pointless. Why do I need to talk to someone about it if I'm just going to do it myself anyway.
I have always felt very independent, but not a healthy independent, a forced independent. It makes me weak to ask for help, so I only do it from one or two people. I don't trust people to do things I need for me. I don't ask for advice, I know best. I don't ask for support, I will do it myself, I also just expect people to read my mind and support what I need. I hide myself from people and tend to be more of a loner because of these things. I don't, no matter what, want to appear as if I can't do it on my own...because not being able to do everything on your own is a sign of weakness.
I actually don't really believe that...I actually think that not being able to ask for help is a bigger sign of weakness. I can't do everything on my own, and I know that, but for the most part, you'll never hear me admit it.
I hate to feel helpless, it is probably my biggest fear from a emotional standpoint. When you feel helpless, you're frozen, you can't do anything. Even with people pushing or getting mad at you...you just stop and can't do anything at all.
I digress...
I don't want to have to repeat myself over and over, I want the people in my life to take this things I say seriously.
That being said...I need to learn to pick my battles...I have to learn to ask myself "How important to you is this?". I need to find out if, whatever it is, if it's a deal breaker for me in any way. If not, I need to keep my mouth shut. I want to keep my relationships with people from deteriorating.
It's hard to feel, listen, communicate, ask for help and be independent. Learning to do these things when they do not come naturally for you is even harder.
I hope to become successfully balanced soon.......
Pan
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