Eric texted me last night when I was getting ready to leave for my meeting. It was a pleasant thing he contacted me about, it got a tiny bit tense in the middle, for me, and then it ended surprisingly thoughtfully on his part.
It made me just a touch irritable in the beginning of the text, then as the conversation progressed, annoyed...but at the end I was shocked and overwhelmed...with feelings...
It's easier to be angry at Eric, then I don't have to think of the nice guy that I loved and miss. I get to think about why I don't like him and what he does that just makes me livid. When he's nice, I think about that guy that was special and good to me. It hurts far more.
I don't want to be angry with him, I really enjoy being able to have a conversation about things without one of us getting mad. But considering that I am moving forward in my life, I would prefer not to miss him anymore than I already do.
Trying to figure out how to completely move on from someone that you know you can't be with, but that you are having a hard time hating isn't easy.
My exes, for the most part, I still don't really like them...they were kinda horrible dicks. Eric is different, he was good to me, though of course I never really saw it at the time. He thought of me often and made me first in a lot of ways that others never would have.
I used to ask him to surprise me with things when he went to the store, he would always bring me back something that was thoughtful and mostly me...but I almost always didn't like it. I always told him he should've done something else, or that I really wasn't in the mood for whatever it was he brought, or that is wasn't right for some other reason. Why was nothing ever good enough from him?
For Christmas a couple of years ago, he took his bonus check, which he told me he didn't get, and surprised me with a diamond ring from Kohls. He told me he got it for me because I never got to get a wedding band. Everything about it was wrong...and my reaction...I was so shocked that I basically shut the box right away...in front of my whole family he gave this to me. Something that he spent a lot of money on, picked out just for me, took all this time and was amazingly excited to give to me, and I acted like it didn't matter. I know now that I did it because I was in shock and that a big part of me subconsiously didn't think I deserved nice things from him...but it hurt him so badly, and I feel so horrible about it to this day. What a fucked up thing for me to do to him.
I know that I never treated Eric very well...much like he was a child that could never do anything right. I don't know if I realized until it was too late that was the case.
It makes me sad, not knowing what we could have been had all the bullshit not got in the way...if I had been a better person and if he had been a better person, what could have happened.
See, and this is the reason he can't be nice to me...I start remembering his wonderful sides, and my shitty ones.
Love the people that love you...they are so important.
Pan
I don't want to be angry with him, I really enjoy being able to have a conversation about things without one of us getting mad. But considering that I am moving forward in my life, I would prefer not to miss him anymore than I already do.
Trying to figure out how to completely move on from someone that you know you can't be with, but that you are having a hard time hating isn't easy.
My exes, for the most part, I still don't really like them...they were kinda horrible dicks. Eric is different, he was good to me, though of course I never really saw it at the time. He thought of me often and made me first in a lot of ways that others never would have.
I used to ask him to surprise me with things when he went to the store, he would always bring me back something that was thoughtful and mostly me...but I almost always didn't like it. I always told him he should've done something else, or that I really wasn't in the mood for whatever it was he brought, or that is wasn't right for some other reason. Why was nothing ever good enough from him?
For Christmas a couple of years ago, he took his bonus check, which he told me he didn't get, and surprised me with a diamond ring from Kohls. He told me he got it for me because I never got to get a wedding band. Everything about it was wrong...and my reaction...I was so shocked that I basically shut the box right away...in front of my whole family he gave this to me. Something that he spent a lot of money on, picked out just for me, took all this time and was amazingly excited to give to me, and I acted like it didn't matter. I know now that I did it because I was in shock and that a big part of me subconsiously didn't think I deserved nice things from him...but it hurt him so badly, and I feel so horrible about it to this day. What a fucked up thing for me to do to him.
I know that I never treated Eric very well...much like he was a child that could never do anything right. I don't know if I realized until it was too late that was the case.
It makes me sad, not knowing what we could have been had all the bullshit not got in the way...if I had been a better person and if he had been a better person, what could have happened.
See, and this is the reason he can't be nice to me...I start remembering his wonderful sides, and my shitty ones.
Love the people that love you...they are so important.
Pan
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