Blank canvas...

...when you have the opportunity to completely change your life, what do you do?  What do you want to do?

What I want to do, and apparently what I do are two completely different things.  I know that I am not yet ready to do what I want to do...I do know that I am ready to do what I am doing.


What I want to do:  Apply for a job in King County, get said job, move to Seattle.  Live.

What I am doing:  Keeping the job I have(which I do love), living in a teeny apartment(which I am learning to love), staying in Minnesota(which I love/hate).  Learning to live(again).


After living my life for one way for almost 10 years, it's a extremely hard transition for me to all of a sudden live differently.  Some people expect a immediate change out of me, others expect slowly and still others expect none.  I want it to be easy, I want the transition to just happen and all of a sudden I know how to live and what to do and it's just smooth.  I don't think that's real.  I think that what I am dealing with in my life, the number of things...there is no smooth way to handle them.  It's a Jeep ride down a mountain side kind of thing.  Hold on to the "oh shit" bars and hope you make it to the bottom in one piece.  I'm working at it, my Jeep ride is going a little slower and rougher than I would like.

That all being said, I do have a blank canvas in front of me.  How do I create it...there's endless possibilities.

I have never taken the time in my life to figure out what I am good at.  I know some things I like to do, but even those are lacking.  Nearly all of my adult life has been spent taking care of others(whether they wanted it or not), that I don't really know me...and I'm not really sure how to find "me".  I want to have hobbies, things I enjoy doing alone...most everything I like to do involves others and is adventure based in some way or another.

I adore adventure, but fear often stops me from doing the things I want to do.  I am usually nervous to do things alone, or that could be permanent, scared to fail or succeed really, terrified that I will get hurt or die.  Fear is one of my biggest hindrances, which I think is true for most people...but very true for co-dependent control freaks.

When looking at a canvas, you can see endless possibilities if your brain works that way...otherwise it's just scary to look at.  I have a little of both going on.  I want to create and experience and live...but there's so much uncertainty.

I have been in my shell recently.  I haven't been out and doing things as I should.  I am being a hermit...which needs to end soon, I miss my friends...I miss being out and having a life of fun.

I need a plan to start recreating my story.

Any ideas?

Pan