...my heart is surrounded by a thick layer of ice...
I personally think that's better than a brick wall...at least someone can melt the ice around my heart and use the ice chunks for a nice cold beverage or something.
I don't really know how to deal with my heart right now. The feelings it has all the time are confusing. Up, down, left, right, circles, zig-zags...that bitch is all over the place. The feelings are very much about love and pain, desire and confusion.
You ever have a choice you have to make and then you make it and you're terrified that you made the wrong choice...terrified that you thought and thought and thought...and then somehow you were wrong. Yeah, my heart does that constantly. That goes back to yesterday's post a bit with the whole emotion vs logic conversation. My brain tells me one thing, my heart tells me another.
I know that for years and years, when I make a choice with my heart...I end up getting hurt. When I make the choice with my brain, I'm scared I made the wrong choice. Even when I get hurt from my heart choice, I never feel like it was the wrong choice...I always feel like it was the right choice, cause I made it with my heart. And let's face it, my heart rules. No really, my heart's amazing.
But then we come to this lovely conversation about self-worth. Is my heart leading me to not care about my self-worth? Is it causing me to make choices that actually harm my self-worth? Maybe...what if my heart is sabotaging me???? Omg, what if that's it....that bastard. Go figure, I spend years trying to get it what it wants and then it fucks me over....sounds like my boyfriends. I apparently need to date myself.
...I am worth a lot.
I am worth more than I act or think that I am. Sometimes my self-worth waivers and I think I am worthless. So I sell myself for cheap. Giving to whoever will take me or shows me kindness in any way. That is not ok with me.
I am worth being chased. I am worth having boundaries. I am worth being around good people that lift me up and want the best for me. I am worth kindness. I am worth making choices and decisions that will best suit me before deciding how they will suit others. I am worth others loving me in the ways I need, not only the ways they need. I am worth being kissed in the rain. I am worth going to the store 20 miles further away cause they have the ice cream I like. I am worth being surprised...with anything good. I am worth time. I am worth loving.
I don't ever want to do anything to hurt anyone. I will usually do everything I can, including sacrificing myself, to make sure that people don't have to go through pain. I know though that I can't live like that, I have to make myself important to myself. That is one of my greatest weaknesses. I am so incredibly used to being treated like I am not really all that important that I have, in ways, started to believe it myself. So it's easy to walk on me.
I think I was taught to give as much as you can of yourself before you break(though I'm really not sure who taught me that). Everyone else always comes first, you are secondary in your life. Your feelings are less important than how someone else feels. If someone wants something, you give it to them but put up a fight and look like a ass. Really your a door mat. Somehow, I was taught that....
It's becoming easier to stand up for myself...even when my heart tells me there's not a reason to. See, she can be taught!!
It comes down to this...if you want me in any way, put in the work, I'm worth it.
Also, so are you...you always have been...you just have to see it!
Pan
*Two songs inspired me in this blog today...both are loving songs, sorta.
~Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me
~Skillet - Everything Goes Black
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