Really, call me the fucking Grinch...
I usually love this time of year. I adore planning holiday parties and attending them, I LOVE buying people the perfect gift, I like the shopping, decorating the house, getting a real live amazing smelling tree, the food, cookies, snow....I usually pretty much love all of it.
This year, everything above makes me cry. It's not fun right now. I don't want to go shopping...cause Eric is usually with me helping pick out that perfect gift, I don't want to get a real tree...cause Eric is usually the one carrying it to/from the truck and into the house, setting it up and right by my side decorating it, I don't want to go to or plan holiday parties because I don't want to attend by myself and get a bunch of questions about Eric. I don't want any of it. If they holidays came and went without me noticing, I would be a very happy girl this year.
I knew that this would be hard for me this year, I knew that all holidays would...but I knew there would be four very specific times at least the first year that would be tremendously hard. The first I knew would be our anniversary, Oct 15th...luckily, that is also tax day at my work...so it came and went pretty fast. The second is Christmas...which we all know actually lasts all of December, between seeing his mom & dad(who I obviously don't get to see this year and I am ridiculously sad about that) and my family, and all the above mentioned stuff...Eric and I both used to really love this part of the year...I would go as far as to say it was collectively one of our favorites. The third is going to be Valentines Day, for obvious reasons...though I am seeing 50 Shades of Grey with a great date this coming year...so hey, maybe that will be a bit easier. The fourth is my birthday, every year I do a event and I will be really thrilled to be around as much as my friends and family as choose to come, but I know that it will be hard because the last one was just a few weeks before we split.
I was hoping I could just get through it with grace and really pretend that none of it bothered me...but just all the cheer and happiness at my work potluck, which I planned and executed(mostly), really took all the wind I had. I thought since it was work, a good time, and something that Eric was never a part of, I wouldn't have such a hard time since it really had nothing to do with my relationship...I was wrong apparently. The tears started flowing pretty much immediately after everyone left and I finally got to sit down. I miss what I had and how it used to be.
I am being as proactive as I can with this holiday shit. I offered to run the newcomers meeting on both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, I will be working both of those days as well. I will be busy for those few days...so I pray that they come and go quickly.
The only holiday anything I am doing this year is the potluck and Christmas at my sisters...neither of which I am interested in...but both I am expected at. I don't want anyone to think it's them(because it's not) and I really don't want to be a child, but it is what it is.
I really never thought that this could be as painful as it is. It hurts so badly. I just want my life back, I don't want to learn to live again right now. I want my husband to be there as we celebrate the holidays with the people that are important to us. I don't want to do it alone...without him.
Trying to find a new "normal" is I think the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I am not one of those people that can move on quickly from a painful life event...it usually takes a lot of time and people holding me up. This time, I have a lot of time...but I don't have a lot of people around, and I think a big part of me is just to scared or stubborn(I haven't decided which) to make myself vulnerable enough to ask people to be around. I think I don't like being vulnerable in front of people.
Today, as you can see is a really, really, really hard day. The coming week will probably be close to just as hard. There's going to be a lot of tears, a lot of time spent sleeping and a lot of time doing anything I can to take my mind off of what time of year it is and what is going on.
I do wish you a fantastic holiday season though...I hope that Santa brings you everything you wish for and that you get to see and love anyone in your life that is important to you! Cause that is what this time of year is especially for.
Also, keep in mind that there are so many out there that don't have anywhere near as much as you do. Donate something, volunteer somewhere or help someone that you normally wouldn't, because even if you think that your life is bad or you hate this time...there is someone out there that needs something much more than you do!
Pan
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