Firstly, let me say, I am probably going to offend someone that I am related to in this blog, for that...I'll apologize ahead of time.
Blood relation doesn't really matter to me.
As I have mentioned in a previous post, my parents were both selfish individuals who probably would have been better off not having kids(though like I have said a million times before, I AM glad that I am here and that they did have kids), and pretty much my entire extended family had no interest in knowing me.
I was kind of raised as a only child, my sisters are 18 and 16 years older than me. My "step" brothers and sister are my age, but I was only around them about 25% of the time. Most of the time I lived with my mother as a only child.
My sisters and nephew are the only blood family that I have any contact with(save facebook), and I am good with that.
Family isn't about who you're related to for me. It's about who's there for you no matter what, and who you'd be there for no matter what. I have few people in my life that I consider actual family.
Let's face it, I'm kind of a bitch, and I can be hard to love, get along with, or even be around sometimes. The people that have stuck around mean a lot to me...not in the least because I know I'm a handful. :P
I've always felt like I was a afterthought in people's lives, have felt that way as far back as I can remember. I always felt not important, or not needed. Might be why I feel it's so dire for me to know where I stand with people and need constant reassurance that I am wanted in their life. Most people don't like such a needy person, I get that...it can be exhausting.
My sister Cindy is the person I am closest to in this world. She has been there for pretty much every stumble, and success in my life. And there's been a lot, of both. She's pretty much my mom, or the closest I ever really felt I had to one. Some of my favorite memories in life come from her. One of the best was the giant canvas she brought into her itty bitty apartment and let me paint it with her...finger paint no less! Another is my first day of kindergarten, she dressed me in overalls and brought me to the bus stop...neither of my parents were there, which is weird. Another was my first time on a rollercoaster...I had to crawl up the ramp. And there's the holidays, birthdays, graduations, and everything else that she tried to make special when no one else did.
This weekend I went to her house to bake, the past few years, I got together with Eric's mom to bake...both of them have now commented on how over-ambitious I was with baking. Ha! It happens.
It was hard to remember that I used to do this with someone else I considered family. It still feels like Eric and the people he was close to are my family. Those people, all of a sudden, I'm not close to, I don't get to see them or talk to them at all. When we split, so did most of Eric's family, so did mine. I don't understand that. I am not one of those people that thinks that a relationship ending means all your relationships with people that they know need to end too. I put effort into that relationship, why do I have to let it go away.
I don't have a desire to create a family either. I don't want kids, I am fine with not getting married again, and I really don't need anymore family than I have. It may sound a bit like I am bitter about it, and maybe there is a part of me that is...but mostly it's just something I am sure of.
If you aren't wanting to be in my life, then I don't want you to be in my life. I really only want the people around that want to be here. I keep my circle very tight and small. I don't like loose ends, and I don't like putting myself out there for people that wouldn't do the same for me, which I've done a lot in the past and got bit, hard. I am one of those people that if you need something, I'm there for you, pretty much no matter what. People like to take advantage of that.
I've come to the conclusion that people in general complicate things, but family more than anything...and I'm not really sure why. I feel like family are the ones that are always suppose to have your back, but really they are the ones that end up hurting you the most. I don't get it.
In the end, family does matter...but it should be who you desire to be your family, not who you think you have to love because you got thrown into the same bloodline as them. Love who you feel is your family.
Pan
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