It's all about heart...

...sometimes I forget that people can't read my mind.  Or that they have their own lives to attend to.  Or that they don't know my story.  Or that they just flat out don't care about what I am going through right this moment.

And, I also forget that all of those things are ok.

All I want is for someone to instinctively know what I need.  I know that's not a fair statement, but it's the truth.

I crave human affection and desire, I crave for people to care about me in a way that they don't care about other people, and mostly I crave love.

I was talking to my sister the other day and one of the topics that came up were that we are both very emotional creatures.  We don't always think with our heads or logic, we much more often think with our hearts and emotions.  Now that being said, I am a logical person.  I know not to step in front of oncoming traffic, or I'll get hit by a car and be hurt or die.  I know to pay my bills or they will turn my services off or report me to the credit bureau.  I know that I can't leave food on the stove for a long period of time or it will burn and maybe start a fire.  I am logical, I know logical things.  BUT...when it comes to emotion, logic is out the window.

My heart rules my life, I have told people for years that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Everyone knows pretty much everything about me.  I don't hide anything about myself.  When I'm unhappy, you can tell...everything about me shows it.  When I'm happy, you can tell as well.  Why hide anyway?

I make decisions based on how I feel or how I think it will make someone else feel.  If it hurts my heart to think about it, I do everything I can to stop that...sometimes even at the expense of others.  That's a flaw, but it's a honest flaw...I am trying to stop pain.

When taking those stupid quiz things on facebook...they ask: "What word sticks out the most to you?"  It's always "Love".  Always.

Love is what I live for, it is what I would die for.  Maybe it's because the only people that really ever showed me it growing up were my sisters...literally.  My parents, if they did love me, did not show it.  My extended family wanted nothing to do with me.  My friends never stuck around for long, probably because of my own doing, but still.  People that came into my life rarely stayed.  Maybe I did something to make it that way, maybe I even did it subconsciously on purpose.  Love was always the one thing that I wanted that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't force and I couldn't get it to stay.  I never really have been able to.

I wonder if it's like that kitten that you squeeze so hard because you love it so much, you kill it.  You didn't mean to do it, it just happens.  Then you're really sad and don't know what to do with yourself until you get another one.

Does this mean that loves replaceable?  I was told once, not long ago, that I could never be replaced only substituted.  I think that's true...I think when you truly whole body, heart and soul love someone...no one can ever take that part of you away or replace that part.

Love is epically important...romantic, platonic, or otherwise.

I want my heart to be the reason that someone lives or dies, I want my heart to be the most important thing in the world to them. I want someone to love me the way that I love...freely, openly, honestly, and real.

So it comes down to heart...it's all about heart.  DO YOU think you have heart...if you're reading this blog...I bet you do.

Pan